


Heart to Heart

by J_33



Category: Covert Affairs
Genre: 5x04, Angst, F/M, Heart, Walkerson, minor spoiler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-16
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-09 02:31:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1965588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_33/pseuds/J_33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The only thing separating them is a door, so why wait to tell him what she thinks until her heart is exploding on some beach miles away?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart to Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I've recently become very into this show, and by that I mean I watched every episode in like four days. I ship these two very much, and with season 5 just starting, and the heart condition with Annie, I've become quite intrigued and decided to dig deeper into that, so ENJOY, and it's my first Covert Affairs fic, so sorry if it stinks;)

When Annie collapsed on that beach four months ago the last thought running through her head was how long it has been since she last kissed Auggie. 

Since she last told him, or anyone, but mostly him, how much she loved him, how much she would do anything to go back to before she ‘died,’ and start over, when things were simpler, when her life wasn’t slipping through the cracks, being timed by a broken clock.

She had many ideas of how she would leave the CIA in her head, but her body failing her was not one of them.

Maybe she should have seen this all coming. She was a spy, she was supposed to be able to predict what was going to happen – to stop the bad from wiping out all the good, but she failed. Annie Walker, was a damn good spy, and maybe that’s what blinded her in the first place.

Her chest had been aching for a while now. It started when she went dark, it got worse when she saw Auggie on the bus, being so close to him, yet never being more far apart. Attachments made leaving hard to do, and she had accepted that long ago, but the worst part of every possibility she ever went over in her head on the days spent with brown hair, and a name that didn’t belong was the possibility that maybe Auggie already let go. 

That is why she didn’t blame him when they went into Helen’s apartment after her death, and she noticed that he already knew his way around.

Part of her wanted to hate him, but she could never hate him, or blame him for the choices that he made because it was the choice that she made that started this downfall, her downfall, so she could only blame herself.

Even with all of that, even after she put a bullet through Henry Wilcox’s body, she had a bad feeling that things weren’t over, and maybe she was right. She thought that the pain in her chest would disappear after he was dead, after the man that started all of this was no longer breathing, but when she went for what she thought was a simple run on an ordinary beach, when she lost her breath minutes into the run, or when she felt her heart slowly crack open as the pressure of a thousand knives stabbed at her flesh, and as her body collapsed onto the soft sand, and she saw the waves crash one after the other as the sky went from blue to black, and her eyes closed, she couldn’t help but pray for another chance.

They say your life flashes before your eyes right before your heart stops, but even though she could feel her heartbeat starting to slow down, nothing happened, and maybe that was because she had almost died many times before, or maybe it was because her heart had stopped a long time ago – the minute Auggie moved on.

When she woke up alive but not well days after the incident, Annie could only feel regret and guilt. She had escaped death so many times, she had even lived on the line between life and death, yet here she was with so many things left she wanted to say, and just now was she realizing that she might never get the chance to say them.

So she did the only thing she could do. She went to Israel, and she got help from Eyal, the only person she could trust to keep her condition a secret. He told her to use her weakening heart as an excuse to get out of the business while she still could, but there was no going back, not now anyway.

Joan once told her that either the field needs you, or you need the field, and at first she thought that she applied to the first one, but things are different now, she is different now too, and maybe it only took a disease that could possibly end her career to tell her that she couldn’t live without the field – that she was nothing without it. 

That’s why four months later, when, with the right medication, Annie felt like she was ready to go back to D.C., and the CIA, and maybe she was, or maybe she never will be, but one thing she was sure of, and that was that she wasn’t ready to see Auggie.

Everytime she looked at him she was reminded of all she lost trying to fight for the people that deserved better. If only she was one of those people? Now standing so close to him, his hand brushed against hers as it made it’s when up her arm for her to guide him. What used to be such a normal touch, now sent old sparks flying, and Annie realized how much of her old life she took for granted. How Auggie would know where she was, even though he couldn’t see, or the fact that he would risk his life for her, and she would do the same. He was her first friend at Langley, and was the same one that made her feel like everything would be okay even when all was going to hell. Now everything was so different. She said that she wanted to keep things professional, but maybe that was just because if things stayed that way she couldn’t get hurt.

At first she could hide it, the episode could be handled, but then they started to affect her work like when she was trying to run after a terrorist, but then McQuaid found out. She knew that he wouldn’t say anything, but she didn’t know how much longer she could keep quiet.

Everyone has secrets. Spies are meant to find them out, but refrain from getting some along the way, but now she had a secret, and nothing good can come from that. Annie thought that she could handle this on her own, but she couldn’t.

The car crashing into her was just the tipping point for what was bound to happen eventually. Now the hospital had her blood work, and that means that Langley would have it soon too, so when she told Auggie what she was really doing those four months it was out of desperation.

That was a lie. It was really because if anyone could fix this it was him, but he could never know that.

Annie knows that he knows how it feels to not be able to do the job, and to have something you love taken away. The only difference is that he can do just fine working from a computer, but she doesn’t have that privilege. 

It is funny how all this started so that she could save her job, her life, but now it was ruining all of that, all of what makes her who she is.

If this was going to be her last day on the job she was going to do it right, so when she shot that traitor in her safe house the excitement and relief she felt was quickly washed away with the bitterness of this being the last time those emotions run through her veins – maybe the last time she is truly Annie Walker – CIA Agent, covert spy, secret.

Auggie told her that sometimes life changing decisions are made for you, it’s just how you chose to live with them that matter, so when Joan shows Annie her medical file she thinks that this is the end, and she almost screams in frustration right then and there because after everything she has done for this job it will never be enough. 

When Joan only mentions her mild concussion, and Myocarditis is nowhere to be found on her medical records, her heart almost stops in surprise and not because of her condition.

Annie see’s McQuaid on the way out of the building, and then she realizes why she can’t take the job that he offered her. It’s not because she doesn’t want to, but because the job she already has is the first one she had, and she wants it to be the last one she has too, even if it kills her.

And it probably will.

She goes to Auggie’s apartment right away to thank him for what he did – for whatever strings he pulled to save her job, and to save her life because her job is her life and without it she has none.

She knocks on the door, and is reminded of all the times she used to knock on his door back when things were different, when she was different, but that was a long time ago, and it’s getting hard to remember who she used to be, therefore its becoming harder to be that person she once was, and maybe she never will be that person again, and maybe her old self is gone forever, but she knows one thing for sure. Life is short and she doesn’t want to waste time not being with the person she loves. If every beat her heart takes may be her last, she wants them to beat with a purpose, to beat for him, and if every breath she takes, could stop any moment she wants to breathe for someone, with someone, and that person is so close. The only thing separating them is a door, so why wait to tell him what she thinks until her heart is exploding on some beach miles away?

He opens the door, and she sees his face, and that’s when she wants to tell him how much she cares. She wants to tell him that it’s been so long that she has forgotten what his hands through her hair feel like, and that she’s so used to being alone that she doesn’t know how love feels, and that she doesn’t know who she is anymore, but she does know who they were together, and maybe for now that can be enough. Annie wants to say that she will sort the puzzle eventually, but she needs him to help find the pieces, but then she sees Hailey Price in nothing but Auggie’s dress shirt in the background of his place, and her throat closes up as she bites her tongue, and just asks why he changed her medical records.

“It’s your life no one else should be deciding how you spend it,” he says.

I want to spend it with you, she thinks, but now isn’t the time to say what needs to be said, because it doesn’t need to be heard, not by him at least.

“Thank you,” she says instead.

“I appreciate your gratitude, but I need your trust. What you’re doing out there is dangerous – requires a handler,” Auggie says in a whisper.

“You are more than my handler,” she says because that is the closest thing to the truth that she can muster out right now.

He tells her never to forget that, and she never has, even when she was back in Hong Kong pulling the trigger. She says that she will see him at work, because he’s busy right now, and she has no place here.

She’s never been so glad that he was blind, because any other person could tell by the look on her face, and the tears in her eyes that there’s so much worth saying, but even more left unsaid. Maybe they’ll never get their heart to heart, and maybe by the time they do it will be too late because her heart is slowly deteriorating, but she can’t go back in time and fix what has already been done.

“I’m glad you came clean to me last night; I like it better when we’re honest with each other,” he says, and Annie can only hope that one day she will get the chance to be totally honest with him, but for now all she can do is say goodbye and walk away.

Love what you do when you never work a day in your life, and that’s the truth.

**Author's Note:**

> While watching 5x04, I felt that there was more to the ending then was being let on, so I hope you all enjoyed my take on it. As the season continues I hope to do some more Covert Affairs fics, but feel free to request any below. Also feedback would be greatly taken into account in future fics.
> 
> Silent Constellations will be updating soon so be on the look out!
> 
> Thanks for reading:)


End file.
